7 things to worry about

1. Children. Adorable and innocent and playful, like puppies, I know. But what if they are actually unattractive, brutish in nature, or their nappies smell like skunk? What happens then? Do you take them to the pound? Are you obliged to keep them? To continue to feed them and buy them socks to warm their grime-collecting toes? Don’t laugh. We all know these children exist. And we all know what we think of them.

2. High scores. Because once you’re up there, listed as the greatest zookeeper ever to capture all the animals in record time, you suddenly have a lot to lose. The most you can do is hide the game and console away from potential challengers and hope that some scheming nugget doesn’t get their sticky fingers on the clandestine cartridge, because before you know it you won’t remember your name because you won’t have cause to tap it into a miniature keyboard ever again.

3. Thieves. They take all ya stuff and then ya got nufffin.

4. Microwaves. I know they play an important, and wonderful, role in things like instant porridge and Campbell’s Chunky Beef Pot, but not everything out of a microwave tastes so good. Think radiation. Think brain tumour. Think it would be wise not to stand in front of the shiny plastic door, humming along as the light goes round and round.

5. Mobile phones. Think more brain tumour. I suggest it’s time to cut short certain long and usually purposeless conversations, as well as replacing the texting hobby with something like chess or ironing. Who knows, the change may turn out to be beneficial in more ways than one.

6. Deodorant. You don’t need to be a scientist or someone who’s particularly into netball to know that most antiperspirant deodorants work because the active ingredient in them is aluminium. Meaning, particles of aluminium grandly insert themselves, and promptly plug, the sweat glands (or hair follicles or similar) under your arms. This will stop you from stinking up the playground, but the problem is that aluminium is most likely a carcinogenic (ie cancer causing element). In particular, I think I recall hearing, from someone who’s not a complete deadbeat and perhaps worth listening to, that aluminium has been potentially linked to Alzheimer’s disease. But I don’t really remember.

7. Frogs. Picture yourself, perhaps on a Sunday morning, having just enjoyed a generous sleep-in and now settling down to a nice romp on the toilet. Imagine shaking out the weekend paper so the page is flat and you can read from top to bottom without missing a word. You are mid-article, mid-release when you feel something cold pressing against your cheek. Imagine twisting your neck to look over your shoulder, and peering down at a green face smiling hungrily and not at all guiltily. What do you say? How do you feel? Worrying, isn’t it?