8 ways to improve your mood

1. Buy a roast chicken from Woolworths. This is what I do instead of buying chocolate, because at least it has protein and iron, and iron helps us play.

2. Pick some flowers and place them in a vase. Put the vase where you will see it frequently. Stealing flowers from someone else’s yard is best as the zero cost will enhance your happiness even more and the small act of theft will make you feel that you’ve received at least some kind of justice for all the harms committed against you.

3. Kick someone in the pants. Make sure the pants have some kind of resistance, otherwise you will feel like a cop-out, like it’s just a cheap shot.

4. Hit someone on the forehead with a shovel. I know they say violence is not the answer, but it’s pretty close. Ask Drop Dead Fred.

5. Force yourself to smile. Because smiling, even when forced, will eventually trick your brain into thinking you are happy. This is one of those textbook-type ways to happiness. I don’t know. I think it would anger me more, having to look grinning and stupid and maniacal and all.

6. Drive to a suburban shopping centre. Past or around Zone Two should do it: Toombul, Stafford, Taigum. Make yourself comfortable, either in the food court or on the bench outside the newsagency, and watch the people and their lives stroll by. Observe their customs, their clothing, their behavioural attitudes. Watch with awe as a mother yells out to her fifteen-year-old, g-string sprouting daughter, “Yeah, walk off then, ya slag. I’ll teach you a lesson. Freak!” If you don’t immediately feel better about yourself, then I don’t know how to help you. I really don’t.

7. Find a horse and ride it into the wind. Take yourself into the mountains and drink from nature’s sweet lake of purity. Enjoy the company of echidnas and squirrels and learn to hunt nuts and ants. Share your bounty with your new friends. Share the good things in life.

8. Cry insistently into your palms, a pillow, or a dog’s fluffy head. If you can’t cry listen to music that is slow and emotive, perhaps overt in its miserable lyrics. I recommend these songs. If you still can’t shed a tear, then things can’t be that bad. You should cheer the fuck up.