2. Poo. I know, I know. It appears I have a preoccupation with this, given the alarming frequency with which it appears in my lists. But it’s really not the case. Poo just so happens to be a big, very real part of life, whether you’re constantly running to the toilet or you’re feeling ill and unhappy because of its absence (read: constipation). It’s usually, no, always relevant. Would you want poo sitting on your head?
3. Triceratops. For obvious reasons.
4. Flashing neon sign. Irregardless of what it’s saying, either directly or through insinuation, I don’t want it. It would be heavy, not to mention attract all the wrong sorts of people.
5. Pants. This would represent a serious wardrobe malfunction and prompt me to question my sanity and ability to function in society. It would also be the making-real of a terrible, childhood nightmare that I suffered for the duration of my schooling years, which is that of me arriving at school with no shoes on my feet and pants on my head. “Mrs Poopy Pantshead,” the other students would chant, taking turns to pull at the elastic band so it would snap crisply against my forehead. “Time to wash your pants, Pantshead,” and then they’d stick me in the toilet, head-first and without care, as though I was some sort of cheap brush. Now I’m so upset I don’t know if I can finish this list.
6. A cat. They have claws and are not very friendly.
7. A perm or a tuft or a mushroom- or bowl-cut. Short-back-and-sides or a mullet or sideburns. Feathered fringe or butterfly-clips. Top-knot, beehive, stretchy scrunchies. Bunny ears, horns, and anything fuzzy.
8. A nail. Because if someone suddenly becomes particularly eloquent, they may just walk right up to me, hammer in hand, and hit the thing right on top. And then I would be dead.
9. Stupid hat. Because then I would look like this:
The cheesedick on the right.
1 comment:
Excellent use of the word "cheesedick".
Post a Comment