1. Why anyone would ever, ever refer to themselves as being ‘preggers’. The only people who can use such a word when referring to themselves and their gestation are those who are so obviously not bogan that there’s no question about whether they are being ironic or not. But, of course, these people don’t exist. Not even you. Not even me. The only time the word should be used is when making reference to a centre-parting, tiger-stripes-foils, pluggers-wearing fifteen-year-old girl who has unfortunately found herself up the duff. But then that is just mean.
2. Why packaging, green bags, opened envelopes, avocado skins, and shrivelled coriander leaves remain on the kitchen floor day after filthy day. If you see a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck. I’m sure the same applies to rubbish.
3. How I managed to make only the tiniest number of friends at uni and how I don’t really ever see them. It’s not exactly like I’m struggling to fit one hundred million people into my tiny little life. I like friends. I like to be a friend. So I don’t know what happened. It must be everyone else.
4. Why weekends are only two days long. It is absurd to work more than you do anything else, yes? Is that why people try to get jobs that they love? Whatever. Love schmove. Marry it, if you're that happy. Which you won't. Because you're not.
5. How education students who don’t know the difference between your and you’re are allowed to graduate and take to the streets as teachers and infect the minds of our young with their feeble intellect and contribute to the gradual putrefaction of the whole entire world. I would home-school all thirteen of my future children if I could be assured they wouldn’t end up as serial killers or rifle-bearing homophobes.
No comments:
Post a Comment