6 vegetables

1. Brussels sprout. Usually eaten only by those over 50, you are possibly one of the forgotten vegetables. But despite your compact and unassuming composition, your flavour is potent and not for the faint-hearted. Perhaps you have some deep-seated resentment issues regarding your size or lack of popularity. Seek a good counsellor or a talented chef.

2. Tomato. Versatile in form and use, and with the super ability to help prevent cancer, you are one vegetable with lots to be proud of. Except... those seeds... are you really a vegetable? Or are you a fruit? Best to work this out and set the story straight once and for all. No one likes a poser.

3. Potato. Having helped many a starving family through famine, you are a timeless vegetable, strong and dependable. Nobody messes with a potato. Especially a potato in a gun. But do you think it would kill you to dress in colour every now and again? Life need not be so boring, plain spud. And wouldn’t it be nice to be associated with something other than depression and quivering, hungry children?

4. Pumpkin. The golden child of the basket. Your rich colour and warm taste, your soft yet still solid texture, and your easy cooperation with a host of herbs, mean you get to feature in many a gourmet dish. But your head is big, Mr Jack O’Lantern, and you best learn not to think that the sun shines out of your face. Otherwise you might end up being smashed, and not in a totally cool rock n roll way.

5. Carrot. Barely a day goes by when you don’t get included in a meal, be it a bolognaise dinner or a healthy afternoon snack of dip and crackers and sticks of orangey crunch. But while you may feel special by attending all occasions, can you be sure that you’re not just a safe invite? An inoffensive ingredient to make up quantity without disrupting the actual intended flavour? Life is not so fun if you are always so straight up and down. Why not get bent and bring something new to the table?

6. Broccoli. With a vivid green colour that is not unlike plants found in the garden amongst snail poop and creepy crawlies, you are one vegetable generally detested by children and other irrational beings. This is unfortunate and a waste of your generous handouts of nutrients, not to mention terrific crunch if not overcooked. Do something about the 80s perm and maybe you can turn over a new leaf. It’s 2009 and appearance, baby, is everything.