NB: If you ever happen to perform any of these, even the funny ones, I will come and practise one on you.
1. Sander. This will result in a desirable finish. Smooth and buffed.
2. Grater. This will not result in a smooth finish, but depending on how you plan to use your skinned cat, this might be right up your alley. Graters are not fun to clean, however, so perhaps wait until it’s not your turn to wash-up.
3. Potato peeler. I once had a cat called Spud. If it hadn’t gotten run over by a truck and if I had been presented with the need to skin it, then this would have been the perfect choice, yes?
4. Knife. A traditional, perhaps obvious and boring, choice, but clean and fail proof, provided you don’t use a butter knife, which, of course, should only be used for butter. Get your hands on a kitty knife if you can. The handle is usually shaped like a paw.
5. Boiler. You’ll get a nice stock out of this, too. Good for winter, which is but near.
6. Laser. What is the point of living in the twenty-first century if you can’t place a beloved pet kitty in front of a concentrated beam of light, gently stroke its head, say “Skin be gone”, and then, after two, maybe three sessions, take your lovely skin-free kitty home for a celebratory meal?
7. Acid. The really strong stuff. This will involve little elbow grease and little mess. The skin should dissolve into nothing, and then the job will be done.
8. Toaster. If you’ve ever burnt your toast and had to scrape off the charred surface, you will be familiar with this method. If your cat doesn’t fit in the toaster, stick it in the grill, or put it on a stick and hold it over a flame, like a marshmallow.
9. Love. What’s that? Love, you say? Yes. Pat the cat until there is no more skin to be pat. Just pat, pat, pat it all away. Listen to the purr and just keep patting.
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