1. Gather 10 CDs and place in a decorative basket or bowl. Ensure you include a mix of your favourite CDs, other housemates’ favourite CDs, CDs unacceptable to be played in your house, and CDs that are generally considered okay. Ask candidate to sort in order of their preference. By CD Number 5 you should have a clear idea of who this person is, who their mother is, their favourite animal and what they did on the weekend. At this point you may feel inclined to ask candidate to leave. At this point you are advised to trust your gut, intellectual and/or moral instinct.
2. Do the same with books.
3. And DVDS.
4. Prepare a witty script for you and your housemates to learn prior to the interview. When you are feeling comfortable with candidate, move into scripted dialogue, as if naturally of course, and allow gaps for candidate to interject with own witty comments. Determine whether candidate is likely to contribute to dynamic conversation under usual circumstances, awarding marks for timeliness, confidence and originality. In the instance that candidate quotes or references television shows, movies, novels etc, candidate should not be deducted points for originality, but should instead be judged based on worthiness of television show, movie, novel, etc. Award double bonus marks should candidate manage to smoothly insert a relevant knock-knock joke.
5. Ask candidate to please get you a glass of water. Allow 3.5 seconds to gauge their response, before laughing and assuring them that you are, of course, only kidding. Allow 3.5 seconds to gauge second response and then offer to get them a glass of water. End the game before you look like a jerk, but if they’ve started crying or walked out, know that you wouldn’t want to live with them anyway. Sook.
6. Amp up filth and mess in kitchen. Give candidate brief rundown of cleaning agents and set candidate to work. Engage use of timer and clipboard. After all, you should feel authoritative. It is your house. Award marks out of ten for efficiency and precision, making special note of wrist movement and arm reaching. It is important that you also note any worthy displays of flair, such as mop dancing, tune humming, crumb eating, or naked sweeping, and award bonus or negative points as applicable. Ensure you and your current housemates run this test beforehand to set the standard, and judge candidate accordingly. Who knows? Perhaps candidate deserves better.
7. Pretend you need to use the bathroom and leave candidate to chat with other housemates. Sneak out to the back or wherever the switchbox is located and shut off all electricity. Observe candidate’s response. Fight? Or flight? This will provide an indication of how useful candidate will be in emergency situations. Award marks for strength, agility, resilience and team work. If you happen to be afraid of the dark, try initiating a small fire or flash flood instead, or arrange a wild bear to climb in through the window. If bear eats candidate, it was clearly not meant to be.
8. Pull out the camera and ask candidate to pull their favourite or most common photo face and/or pose. Take a photograph and immediately import to computer. Open file in Photoshop, crop to capture face and/or body as appropriate, and insert into existing photograph of you and fellow housemates. Award marks for cohesion and seamlessness. This should be the final test, when you can see the future as the past.
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