8 ways to keep warm

1. Jump in the shower. This is a great idea, especially before you jump into bed. Just make sure you check that there is hot water before you get all naked and wet. Otherwise you will be naked and wet and blue.

2. Pee on your hand. As a warm-blooded creature, it is your God-given right to produce warm urine that can be used to thaw frozen fingers or toes. In fact, why not pee all over everything. Your knees, ankles, plush inner thighs. Pee into a cup and pour it over your face. Pour it over your housemate’s face. Keep them warm too. Don’t be selfish.

3. Become an Eskimo. They’re really good at keeping warm. You’ll be able to write an even better list than this.

4. Get naked. This would appear, at first thought, to be rather counter-intuitive, but, provided someone else is naked too, you can, together with the other nakey person, create body heat through maintenance of close body contact. This is a proven method that probably works most effectively in conjunction with blankets. It may also be fun too. Try shimmying.

5. Eat a roast chicken. If you’re vegetarian, eat a lettuce leaf. It won’t make you warm, but it will persuade you to bite the proverbial bullet and eat a roast chicken or a large, stripy mammal, such as a zebra.

6. Become an alcoholic. Drink everything straight and take comfort in the burn as you warm from the inside out. This one could be pricey and detrimental to other areas of your life. But hey, you’ll be too drunk to notice, so go for it.

7. Wear a onesie. Ain’t no wind gonna get up your sleeves or down your pants. Only if you go fence-jumping or tree-climbing and tear the bum-flap on a wayward branch are you going to feel any sort of chill. Plus, you’ll look just way too cute and receive so many warming hugs from friends and strangers alike that you won’t even remember the meaning of cool.

8. Migrate. Like the birds do.