1. Lies. The website says:
Written by Rachael Bermingham and Kim McCosker, these bestselling cookbooks are jam packed full of quick, easy and very delicious recipes that you can easily whip up to WOW your friends and family, and ALL with only 4 or fewer ingredients.
Well, granted, parts of this are true. It is written by the two crims mentioned. The books are bestselling, sadly. And the books do contain many foolishly quick and easy recipes. But the key ‘ingredient’ of it, the selling point, the item highlighted by use of capital letters, is a LIE. You will not wow your friends and family, even the ones who love you the most, by serving them a cheese and tomato toastie. Unless you are the type of person who didn’t know how to make a cup of tea. In which case, I bet you forget the tomato or to toast it, so you won’t be wowing anyone soon anyway. The website also says:
You will be super surprised and delighted with the fantastic dishes you can create using this easy to follow cookbook AND with ingredients mainly already found in your pantry!
Lies. Lies. Lies. You will not be super surprised and delighted when you follow these recipes for four weeks and suddenly drop dead from malnutrition. That is an exaggeration. But at least it’s not a lie. For instance...
2. BBQ Chicken Pizza. According to this novel cookbook, the ingredients you need for this recipe are leftover BBQ chicken (as purchased from Woolworths or Coles, whatever your preference), BBQ sauce, pita bread, and that stuff that goes on top of, oh I don’t know, every pizza ever made. Cheese is what I mean. So yes, it accurately enough fits the description of BBQ Chicken Pizza. So yes, that’s one, two, three, four ingredients, no more. So yes, it’s economical. Yes, it’s simple. Yes, anybody could do it. YES, ANYBODY COULD DO IT. Anybody that has some concept of food (and that’s everybody, by the way) could throw this together blind drunk on a Saturday night with a tequila shot in one hand and a dribbling, hungry floozy on the other arm whining, ‘Feed me, baby. I’m soooooooooo hungry’. He might burn his hand and he might wake up in the morning hating himself, but he could still conjure up a very basic BBQ Chicken Pizza. The point is: He wouldn’t write a book about it.
3. Rachael and Kim. They did write a book about it. And now they’re rich little piggies. Yet, I bet they don’t wow their families with carrot and celery sticks pulled straight from the pantry. Really, just looking at them exasperates me. Stupid Colgate smiles. Stupid Brady hair. Stupid genius marketing.
4. Australia. More to blame than the stupid authors, really. What is wrong with us that this book is the number one selling cookbook in Australia? There are at least 800,000 of you responsible out there. I will personally hunt you down. And I will personally thieve your copy. And I will personally burn it. And maybe I’ll break your arm or something.
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