1. Dish cloth and sponge. Cloths and sponges that are left sopping wet in the sink or on the bench become firstly stinky and secondly slimy. The whole two reasons Spongebob should die. Being wet and stinky and slimy defeats the purpose of the cloth or sponge, where the primary purpose, in fact only purpose, is to clean. Would you clean a bowl with a ball of slimy snot? No. Would you pull wet and soiled toilet paper out of the toilet to tend to a spot you missed? You would not. You would get germs and die. In short, rinse the cloth or sponge, squeeze the excess water out, and leave in a cool, dry place.
2. While you’re at it, sweep the floor. Because feet have vast amounts of contact with the floor and feet are prone to allowing items, such as dirt, bread bag clips, dust bunnies, avocado globs turned brown, and sultanas, to press into thy soles and settle between thy toes. This will stop you feeling and looking as though you are made of Velcro or that you live in a bin. And this in turn will stop the other kids from laughing at you. And this will make you less sad. Which is always a good result.
3. Underwear. You are camping in the wintery woods and have not showered for two days. You have a frown upon your dial and dramatically you cry ‘Let me go home or I’ll be the death of you!’ You feel filthy, irritable. Your jeans may be caked in mud, and you may have spilt curry on your top. But if you take the liberty of changing your underwear, just your underwear (don’t even worry about anything else), you will feel instantly fresher, lighter, like a daisy or a once-soiled now-laundered item from an OMO ad. People always say that it’s what’s on the inside that counts. They are correct.
4. Towels. Try washing your towels and hanging them in the sun for two to three hours. You will cease to smell like a sodden dog and life will be good.
5. Sheets. Nothing beats crispy, clean sheets pulled tight across your mattress. When you climb into your bed you enter a new world, a wholesome place distinct from the disarray and unpleasantries of the everyday. With fresh sheets, comfort is immediate and sleep is thus achieved more easily and more wholly. You will not be obliged make strange contortions in order to fall into a restful position. And you can dream happily knowing the bed bugs are at bay. I recommend stripping your bed and employing the use of lavender scented laundry detergent fortnightly. Don’t look at it as a chore. It’s actually well-veiled self-gratification.
6. Personal hygiene apparatus. Because of their high frequency use and because we often use them when we are in rush to get out the door, it is too easy for such objects to become part of the background, to not be noticed. For instance, I recently discovered a growth of blackish mould-like stuff emerging from the core of my loofah ball. In the moment of discovery I exclaimed in horror. If I were to use this grimy object on myself, wouldn’t I too become grimy? If we are to be hygienic and happy, we must stay vigilant! I would suggest, even, that we take mighty measures to reduce the chance of having our cleaning apparatus turn against us. For instance, liquid soap or gel or luxurious foaming wash could be used in place of bars of soap. Bars of soap are known, for instance, to collect the likes of pubes and similar miscellany. Freya and I had this conversation in year eight and decided that very day that we should be best friends forever. Personal hygience will bring you closer to those you love.
7. Socks. This extends to shoes and feet in general because wet equals tinea. Fungus belongs on the ground, on rocks. It does not belong between your toes.
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