9 things worth doing when no one is watching

1. A spot of nose picking. This comes first on the list because it is the most obvious answer. I asked my mother, for instance, and this is exactly what she said. So if it is a generally agreed idea that nose picking is strictly something you do in the company of you and you only, I wonder then why I so often see people picking their noses as they commute to work and purchase broccoli from Woolworths. Even discreet attempts are not well masked, purely because we all know them, being avid nose pickers ourselves.

2. Atomic Kitten. Worth doing when no one is watching. Just make sure they can’t hear you too.

3. Mimic walk. As you navigate the streets by foot, keep an eye out for persons with walks of humorous value. When you have detected said person with humorous walk, proceed to follow them whilst mimicking their gait. You will experience a charge of smug satisfaction.

Note well: By no one watching, I mean the person you are mimicking. To everyone else who is watching, you will be highly entertaining. Unless the person you are mimicking has, for instance, an absent foot or two heads on the one neck. Then you may get punched.

4. If you want to take the mimic walk further, try ghosting. This involves walking behind the subject and trying to get as close to them as possible without them noticing you. Such a task has previously been undertaken by Hamish and Andy: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=peAtB_dFUh0

I understand that it is possible to advance to extreme ghosting. Something to aim for.

5. Sexy lip pouting. I don’t know why pushing your lips together and out, coyly tilting your head down and ever so slightly to the side, and raising your eyebrows is sexy. But it is. Apparently. Do it. You’ll laugh. And if it turns out to be sexy, you’ll know for when someone is watching. And you’ll make them laugh too.

6. Squats. Yes, we all rightfully laugh at squats and sounds that happen when you squat. It’s not a natural, everyday movement, I know. But the health benefits are more than appealing. Squats, for instance, can result in nice, firm buttocks, just like Spike of Notting Hill. So do them when no one is watching and you too can confidently answer the front door in your sad gray underpants.

7. Poo face. Only those who have suffered constipation can know the real joy of defecating. I haven’t, but I will pursue this thought regardless. Next time you visit the toilet, allow yourself a departure from decorum. Allow yourself to clench your jaw and push your forehead down towards your eyes. Allow yourself to tighten those stomach muscles and scrunch up your nose. The aim is this: Create the effect of effort and the result will be all the more rewarding. Luckily, if you’re a person of kosher and believe in toilet doors, you can engage in this cathartic activity all the time.

8. Bed jumping, couch jumping, fridge jumping, jumping. Jump on whatever you can. Just jump up. Just jump down. Continue for as long as you can. Pump your arms up and down as you do it. Pummel your fists into the air. Yell slogans like 'Cowabunga' and 'Jungle Madness!!!' It is imperative that you never stop jumping and that you look as ridiculous as possible. Try lifting both knees as high as possible at the same time. That is jumping at its best and most difficult. The benefit is this: If you hurt yourself, no one needs to know why or how. You can say that the cat did it or that you tripped on the shoes that someone else left in the doorway. All the while, you will have had an awesome time. I guarantee.

9. Drink milk from the bottle. Mother told you not to and now look what you’re doing. Who is the queen? You are. Yes, you.