11 ways to make an impression at the office

1. Look professional. It is necessary that you no longer identify with your former cap-wearing, fry-shovelling self. Hold back that smashing customer-service smile you were once praised for and furrow your brow a little. Gauge the atmosphere. If you need to look morose, so be it. This is fairly typical.

2. Leave your desk often to make tea and coffee. It’s important to keep hydrated, and this uses time. If anyone chooses to comment, simply explain that you cannot function without that caffeine buzz. The implication is that you are busy and tired. You crazy worker bee, you.

3. Similarly, during conversations close your eyes and pinch the bridge of your nose. Yawn. Rub your forehead. Falter, briefly fall forward. This is not as melodramatic as it sounds.

4. Bind as many documents as possible. Bound documents are important. People who have bound documents are important. The same goes for lever-arch folders. Stick alluring, appropriate titles down the spine. Acronyms are useful. Something like, ‘SP34 Specs. Analysis XPL’.

5. Which reminds me. Keep your stationery well stocked. Especially your stapler. You may need it.

6. Do network. You should know your colleagues and they should know you. Discreetly borrow others’ stationery and return it days later with a friendly note. When they look over at you, smile and wave. Nod. Also remember that email should not replace real human interaction. I suggest using string and tin cans. Firstly, this will show initiative and leadership, and secondly, it will inspire live conversation.

7. Know office lingo. Get the busy talk down pat. The best way to pick this up is by ear, but if you get stuck, just think of things that could happen to you on some wilderness adventure. For instance, common ways to describe how you are include: Getting there, Swamped, Drowning, Surviving, Lost. One word answers are a treat. It’s like you don’t even have time to talk.

8. Do not make personal phone calls. You know how trite and shameless Neighbours is? Well, whatever everybody likes to think, Neighbours is just art imitating life. You are not exempt from this.

9. And do not use novelty ringtones. Everybody will hate you. People more annoying than the ringtone will hate you.

10. Likewise, do not stick offensive pictures on the wall. By this I mean calendars of puppies in sunglasses and kittens in tutus. Avoid things with glitter and anything done in clip art. Children’s artwork might be okay. Maybe.

11. Finally. Do not eat the communal biscuits. Remember what they told you at orientation? OH&S is critical. Eat the cookie and you may as well go back to HJ’s and lick lard off the floor.