3 human parts that should be replaced with animal parts

1. Hands. So there’s some kind of vague theory that hands, specifically opposable thumbs, are what make us human beings and what makes human beings superior, but I think we would be so much cuter and more lovable and hence more harmonious if we all had paws at the ends of our wrists. We could paw at each other, literally, which would make us more prone to falling in love and staying in love and being friendly to others, because that’s essentially why we appreciate dogs and cats. And we wouldn’t be able to hold guns or do nasty things with knives. As young children we would produce adorable paw paintings and when we run naked and muddy through the house we could do it while in handstand position and no one would know whether to blame the human or the dog and would become so confused that the issue would be forgotten in light of bigger issues, such as whether humans really are just animals and what gives humans the right to make pets of dogs and to cage giraffes and to eat beef and lamb and pork and chicken and fish and kangaroo, especially without offering their own paws to elephants and hippos, who could easily kill and roast humans if elpehants and hippos weren’t so actively committed to the preservation of all life, great and small.

2. Skin. Replace with scales and eliminate the risk of sunburn, cancer, eczema and other skin problems. Gain the qualities of shine and resilience. This would be as worthwhile and enhancing as any pricey make-up product. The colours of our luminous scales could be the colour of our apparent auras, which, in our present useless form, are not visible. This would make attracting a compatible mate so much easier, which would make for happier pairings or triplings or whatever the shades invite. Which, really, is the whole point of life. To dance and love and be purple in one angle of light and orange in another.

3. Wombs. My ignorance is going to be blaringly obvious here because I don’t know how to explain this, but the womb, or whatever it is that I should be referring to, should be replaced with an egg-making facility, similar to whatever little factory chickens and emus and other things with wings have inside them. What I mean to say is that we should lay eggs. We could have nests and blankets and sit happily on the eggs as they warm and grow. It would be a lot less messier and painful than how we currently give birth. And the egg, once hatched, could be scrubbed and polished and placed on the mantelpiece until the child turns twenty-one and embarrassingly has to inherit the keepsake to eventually pass onto its own disgusted children.