8 reasons i would make a good pet

1. Highly lovable. This is because of my face and its fat cheeks and my ability to contort it to make myself appear adorable. I can also manipulate my hands so that they appear as paws, which I can use to cuddle you and pat your head. And within my pants I am stashing a tail. You can curl it or brush it or hug it or paint it. It’s quite versatile, in fact.

2. Multi-purpose. I can essentially be anything you want me to be. A lamb. I can buck. A llama. I can sing. A piranha. I can bite. A panda. I can frown. You’ll never get bored. If you wake up one morning and decide it’s Turtle Tuesday, I can be your turtle. If you wake up the next morning and find it’s Weevil Wednesday, I can be your weevil. I can happily flounder about in your flour til the cows come home and you decide you want me to be one of those instead.

3. Low maintenance. I can poop and sleep and eat all on my own. Not to mention wash and frisk and make friends and mop. In short, I am not a Tamagotchi, a Furby, a Dogz, or a Catz.

4. And I am not wont to breed like a rabbit.

5. Intelligent. I imagine (and the fact that I can imagine is evidence of this) that there won’t be too many, if any, pets that are smarter than I am. You’ll be the envy of all your friends and when you go to Pet Club on Thursday nights you’ll be the lucky ducky who gets to do Show and Tell every week. ‘What ‘ave you taught the old girl this week, aye?’ they’ll ask. And then you might have me bring them out some delectable muffins I made, or I might play In the Jungle on the recorder for them while prowling like a lion even though I’m actually a fish because it’s Tuna Thursday.

5. Good with children. Yes, I’m playful and cuddly and always up for a solid tickle or scratch, but I go further than the young, foolish puppy. Not only will I bring joy and love to the little ones’ lives, but also education and discipline, respect and obedience. Of course I will do it only when necessary, but I will not hesitate to bite, slap, give a firm lashing with the tongue. Children like boundaries. I can be a fence. A mastiff on a fence.

6. Protector. You could name me that even and buy me a helmet. Then there’d be no mistake and no one would mess with me or you or anyone we know.

7. Walkies. Given that I serve multiple purposes and that I’m smarter than your average pet bear, it should be no surprise that I would make walkies a fun or useful or relaxing time – whichever you were in the mood for. With me on the other end of your leash, walkies could become dancies or bakeries or spa-sies or nap-sies. We could fill in our time together with chess or knitting or cards or swimming or shopping or chatting about things that are very important. Fish, for instance, cannot and will not do this.

8. Cost-effective. I’m free, free, free! And who doesn’t love free stuff? Come and take me home today. I’m yours.