10 reasons you might hate me

1. I ran over your cat. It didn't survive. In my defence, though, I thought it was a hedge. Perhaps if you'd taken better care of it, and let it enjoy a shower and a trim or two, it would have looked like a cat, not a hedge, and I wouldn't have backed into it in a fit of revenge against the fiendish neighbour who cut down my pear tree.

2. I lost your umbrella. Now you are wet.

3. I have thirty-eight word documents open on my laptop. Seventeen have not been saved. Something, inevitably, will happen, and I will lose it all. I will cry. Then I will whinge to you for hours in a language that you cannot understand.

4. I sent you threatening letters that terrified you right out of your pants. Obviously they weren’t from me, as in the person that you know me to be, but some anonymous fruit who wanted your throat if she couldn’t have your heart. I know it doesn’t seem reasonable, but just think how unfortunate it would be if I hadn’t sent them and you hadn’t confided in me and we hadn’t spent those fearful nights together and fallen in love and gotten married.

5. I did a load of washing and left tissues in the pocket. I’m sorry. I hate me too.

6. I ate some celery and added peanut butter because I was bored with the taste. Regrettably, I’m severely allergic, and you need to take me to the hospital right now. I know you have tickets to Simon and Garfunkel, but I think I might die.

7. I set your stapler in a dome of jelly. It’s not an original idea and I know how that disgusts you.

8. I can’t remember anything you’ve ever told me. Usually when you speak I fall asleep, am physically ill, or become zoned out. That’s not to say I don’t enjoy it when you speak. I can watch your mouth make shapes for hours and never cease to be amazed by your pulsing, overweight lips. But I know this must be hard for you, even though I can’t hear what you’re saying.

9. I made tiny, chewing, squeaking sounds while you were in the other room and told you that we had rats. I know I went too far, making bite marks in your computer cords and leaving pellets of poop-like dirt in your food. If it makes you feel any better, I realise now that I miss you. My new housemate is so much worse.

10. I drew a picture of you. It looked like this: