1. Bang saucepan with wooden spoon while cooking dinner. Bang sink, plate, light fixture, fridge, face, pan, pot. Anything not soft in texture. Try to break something. It’s what all good rockers do.
2. Rustle branches and leaves as you walk down the street. Seek variety. Aim for high branches, low branches, branches in between. If you wish to perform a scale, for instance, begin with the azalea bush and move your way to the top of the jacaranda. Climbing may be involved. How fun.
3. Dial the following numbers into your telephone keypad while talking on the phone:
3 3 2 6 3 2 3 3 2 6 3 2 3 2 3 2 2 3 3 1
This will give you Ring Around the Rosy, an old favourite. You’ll work out the pattern.
4. Knock on the wall while doing a poo. But don’t be lazy. Create a rhythm. This will also disguise your inevitable plop.
5. Open the door and shut the door, open the door and shut the door, open the door and shut the door, as you take a ride in the car. Repeat five times.
6. Click the clicker component of your pen. Find another clicker pen and place it in your other hand. Click both pens simultaneously, alternately, whatever sounds good. How clever are you with your toes? Your tongue? Go and find more clicking pens. With a little practise, you could be a one-man band.
7. Sing loudly at the bus-stop. Conventional method, yes, but very effective and boasts the additional potential of having people join in, because singing is something just about everyone can do and the instrument is portable and always, always with you. I recommend singing a song from a television ad, because what nimrod doesn’t watch TV? Try Banana Boat. It’s 30+.
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