9 ways to quit your job

1. Write a polite letter. But this is boring. Don’t do this.

2. Write an impolite letter. Use expletives. Include a labelled diagram and seal it with snot.

3. Fill a paper cup with chips and chuck it across the counter. Hurl your torso onto the counter and scream at the nearest customer, “You want FRIES with that? Well, you already got some, FOOL!” If need be, scream something else. Next, peel your exasperated body off the counter, grab your manager by the tie and pull him or her close to your face and say, “I hate you”. It is important that this last item is done slowly and with purpose, through gritted teeth. Then. Run with the wind. Leap through the drive-thru window. And don’t stop running.

4. Seize a trolley and begin doing your grocery shopping. When your manager or fellow employee asks you what you are doing, respond with the obvious: Tell them you’re shopping. Perhaps even ask what they think you should have for dinner that night. When they remind you that you’re still working, laugh politely at their mistake and say, “Oh oh, obviously I’m not”. Carry on shopping and proceed to check-out number nine.

5. Go to lunch. Don’t return. Get a massage instead or go home and feed the cat.

6. Have your mother call your work and explain to them that you lied about your age and that it’s really not legal for them to have you work for them, so unfortunately you will not be returning, at least for another two years. “But she’s married. With children,” they’ll say. “Ah no, I think you’re talking about me,” good old mum will reply. “People often get us confused. Say we could be sisters.” Have her finish the conversation with a polite threat about contacting the federal government if they ever try and reach you again: “Child labour. Here in Australia? You’ll get what’s owed to you. By Jessop, you will.”

7. Take your pet giraffe to work. And when they tell you to take it home, place your arms across your chest and say, “If Giraffey goes, I go!” Then storm off, with giraffe in tow. Illustrate your point further by wearing an “I’m with Giraffey” shirt. For added impact, you should feed Giraffey an hour before arriving at work so that when it is time to make the dramatic exit, Giraffey will conveniently need to poop here, there and everywhere.

8. Call your work. Tell them you died and that you’re watching them from up above, but unfortunately can never be with them in person again. Don’t forget to ask for your annual leave payout. Tell them you’ll need it where you are. It’s very pricey.

9. Spend a night studying your employee guidebook. The following day, break every company rule twice. Be inventive; I’m thinking staples. When you are summoned, allow your boss to say a few words, to vent their understandable frustration. In fact, wait quietly for them to inform you that you are no longer required, and then bellow the old, “You can’t fire me. I quit!” Remember, clichés are clichés for a reason.