6 things to do when you have extreme hay fever

1. Roll a tissue into a cylinder and shove up right nostril. Roll a tissue into a cylinder and shove up left nostril. Replace each tissue every fifteen minutes or if you experience trouble breathing. Use toilet paper if tissues are unavailable; however, be wary of the scented kinds, which tend to aggravate nostrils suffering from the hay.

2. Lie on bed and moan. Best to place head face down on pillow to absorb fluids and products. My initial thought was that this would be cathartic, but it’s not. It only perpetuates the feeling of woe and futility. But hey, if the shoe fits wear it.

3. Put the other shoe on. From thinking about how you are wasting a day and not writing or reading the book you had intended to finish, you can move on to thinking about bigger and bleaker issues, like how you’re not the person you want to be, how you’re not the person others want you to be, and how you couldn’t possibly ever achieve both even if you were to transform your disappointing self, given that the two persons don’t align. Then you could think how utterly, entirely, wholly useless you are, how you don’t know anything, how you probably actually have swine flu, and how, regardless of what anyone else says, those frequent headaches are the symptoms of something very frightening. This thinking, of course, is not at all good for you, but it is one thing you can do when you have extreme hay fever.

4. Use Leena’s eye drops. If you don’t have a Leena, I suggest you get one. She has most things you need in times like these. Her inventory is extensive.

5. Take Vitamin C. It’s a natural antihistamine. Leena probably has some.

6. Tap blindly at your laptop’s keyboard through closing-opening-shutting eyes. Hope for the best and if you’ve been good in a previous life, some words are bound to form.