5 recommendations for the coming weekend

1. Death Cab for Cutie. This is possible, of course, only if you have a ticket or if you somehow manage to appropriate mine, a task that will not come easily or happily. I will see you, sprouting your unsightly legs through my window, and I will cut them off with a machete that I have hired for the purpose. I will then hand you the ticket and drive you to the show, gladly push you out the door and watch you pull yourself by the arms to the entrance. You will proceed to dance only with your upper body and head. It will be a new experience and you will learn many new things, the least of which being that you must never fuck with Tegan.

2. Speak in third person. As I just did. This fun activity should not be limited to this weekend. It is good for times when you are bored and must amuse yourself. The challenge is to make it seem convincing, authentic. For instance, my business teacher in year nine was a genuine third person orator. Her mad utterings were something along the lines of:

And if you do not rule a margin three centimetres wide, Mrs Cupples will be very angry. And when Mrs Cupples is angry she will stamp her feet and shake her fist. And she will not let you depart from this class when the bell doth ring.

Part of the reason she was so convincing was that she had a mushroom hair cut. And that she taught business. You may not want to go this far.

3. Smith’s Big Red. Back by popular demand and for very good reason. Get yourself to your nearest chip-stocking store and purchase the biggest bag there. Wash down with a glass of Juice of Orange and you will not be disappointed. I have also just received confirmation that Samboys has also brought back its Atomic Tomato chip. I will be conducting my own compare and contrast between the two. I am sure the results will make it onto a list sometime in the very near future. Stay tuned.

4. West End Markets. A bearable substitute for when you can’t make it to the morning markets in the tiny providences of northern France. You can buy tropical items, such as pineapples and figs, and more homely items, such as potatoes and onions. Lamb and lamb only is featured on one stand, if you happen to love lamb and lamb only. And on a piece of blue tarp on one stretch of dirt, a middle-aged hippy guy displays a wide and varied collection of second-hand books (fiction and non-fiction), all of which are available for sale. Other highlights include any number of quality coffee vendors, and merchants of all shapes and sizes selling assorted compact discs, rugs and throws, and jewellery. A few baker stalls, with their loaves and pastries and other carb-goods piled and stacked haphazardly in crates and wooden boxes, may even convince you that you are indeed a tiny French woman with braided hair and a well and chickens to tend to once you return home.

5. Bagels. It’s not a bagel unless it’s boiled. Ensure this is the case and then add cream cheese and blackberry jam. Devour. And repeat.