6 reasons i am actually a superhero

1. Unfailing sense of duty. It is true that if a dog were failing to adequately support itself in a body of water, I would not hesitate to swoop down, dive into that body of water, conduct my own awkward sort of doggy paddle and bring the dog safely to land. It is also true that I am not the only person who would necessarily do this. However, it is further true that, like any superhero, I would be the first on the scene because I would hear the dog in distress as it cries for help because, like any superhero, my only purpose in life is to respond to those calls, which are made directly to me since I am a superhero.

2. Toe. Typically, superheroes are freaks and are only superheroes because they have been involved in some tragic or freak accident. Often they are ridiculed or held in contempt. I am not exempt. This is my real toe:

3. Extraordinary powers. Sometimes I am mistakenly referred to as the Queen of English, when in actual fact I am just your common superhero with a super ability to amend written documents so that they are 100 per cent precise in their grammatical composition and use of punctuation. I am aware that these lists do not always fall subject to this super ability, but the power does exist, and when I do choose to yield the mighty red pen and take to the written page, a magnificent transformation transpires. I am not the best yet, but I am progressing well in my training. I am more than apt, for instance, at doing things like correctly placing a full stop at the end of this sentence.

4. Placed within the genre. I can fit my fist in my mouth, which, according to Wikipedia, makes me something of a shapeshifter superhero. A shapeshifter, it says, is “a hero who can manipulate his/her own body to suit his/her needs”. Some shapeshifters can turn into animals (e.g. lamb) or inorganic materials (e.g. toothbrush). I think I pulled the short straw here.

5. Supporting cast of recurring characters. A necessity according again to Wikipedia. This includes my mum.

6. Inevitable role in idyllic love story. I have loved and been loved. I have kissed upside down in the rain whilst hanging from the top of a twenty story building on a questionable filament of spidery excrement.

I am the one in red.