6 scenes i'd like to see through my window

1. Leena far, far away in a distant field. One that is green and patterned with cows and daisies, making for a splendour of yellow and black and white and green. The sky is deep blue and candy-floss clouds move from right to left, disappear, and eventually return, perhaps bringing greyness and rain soft enough to only dampen Leena’s hair. It is an Impressionist’s painting, blurred and soft, yet it is strikingly distinct in places. I can see that Leena is sitting cross-legged on a small boulder, for instance, weaving a basket out of coloured feathers. One could imagine that she collected the feathers from lorikeets that were flying above the cows sometime before the curtains were opened and the scene was revealed. Perhaps they will return with the grey clouds and rain.

2. Tall, nondescript, blonde girl being hit by a yellow school bus, strictly in the manner of Mean Girls. Note that this would only be funny in prescribed circumstances, and that any deviations from such circumstances would result in a terrible, distressing scene that I do not want to see out my window.

3. Tall, nondescript, blonde girl walking awkwardly by in a head-to-toe metal frame after being hit by a yellow school bus. She’d better wave.

4. A lawn of snow. And on this lawn of snow, a number of molehills of snow. And between these small molehills of snow, trees, with hats of snow perched on the tops, and sleeves of snow covering the branches, and pockets of snow ready to drop from the trunks. The scene is still for the duration of a piece of toast and half a cup of tea. I note the air smells like musk. Then, I place the cup to my mouth and as I am about to swallow, a red, snow-speckled beanie emerges from the centre of one molehill, like a boil coming to surface on a chin. I spit out my tea. I see a face, a frost-bitten face, a bemused, lost-looking face is beneath the beanie. It is a boyish face and he peers around, I imagine as much as his neck and body will allow. His eyes move up to the sky, the window, and the boy pokes his tongue at me before retreating back into the molehill. Over the next hour my tea goes cold and three more beanies appear. I keep an eye on the trees, but I notice nothing spectacular.

5. A man, any man, with a miniature violin (or other instrument of miniature dimension) sitting under an umbrella with a small, yappy dog beside him, singing “I want to kiss you all over, and over again, ‘til the night closes in”. I believe this is called a serenade. And I believe this would make me, and every other witness, undoubtedly jubilant. Yes, jubilant.

6. Mario racing along a brick platform, looking like a hologram, as he flashes pink and yellow and green and blue and red and orange. “Hi Tegan!” he shouts as he runs into a Koopa Troopa and hurtles it into the air, causing it to spin and vanish. “I’ma gonna win!” he says. The colours fade and the orchestra on my verandah pull back on the frantic music. Mario grins up at me and skilfully bops a bomb on the head, before taking a generous run-up, puffing out his chest and raising himself into the air. He travels a small distance, but alas, he is too fat, and he returns to the ground, only to get stung by a quivering, red-cheeked caterpillar. Mario slides down the face of the platform, looking sad and more defeated than ever before. The orchestra plays on. I tell them to shove it.

5 things to remember when you use ebay

1. If you happen to win, you won’t get to stand on a podium in a Lycra unitard of your nation’s colours. You won’t get to sing and you won’t get to shake hands with the mayor. Your mum won’t take pictures of you and nobody will take you to dinner. It’s not that type of victory. Only eBay will congratulate you, before encouraging you to continue browsing and bidding, which you will, because nobody wants to be a loser. Just remember that victory has its price.

2. Indeed. Be careful what you bid for. It’s easy to go nuts and make offers on multiple baskets of miscellaneous goodness all at the same time, but remember that if you win it you must buy it and to buy it you must spend money.

3. When you are placing bids, remember that real people are affected in real ways by your actions. I’m well aware of the thrill in sabotaging people’s purchases just because you can, but somebody out there somewhere may have really needed those elbow mittens, and now because of your rash $2.50 or your sneaky bid in the final twenty seconds, they will have to go without, be bitten by frost, and become a solemn amputee. Just because you can’t see the victims doesn’t mean they aren’t alive and crying or dead and ready to haunt. Is it really worth ruining rogue_ride54’s life just so you can prance around in your new leather pants saying, ‘Woo. dreamy_tiggles strikes again’?

4. Remember that yes, sometimes it is worth it. As in the above instance, if you’re reckless bidding will come between a 55-year-old something or other and pants of leather, then it probably is worth it. I suggest that it is best to be discerning and to stay vigilant. It’s a battlefield really. Like love, but different.

5. eBay purchases are not like babies and will not be delivered by the stork or via your mother’s blessed passage. You must pay for postage.

10 reasons it would be nice if you said thank-you

1. I bought you a hamburger and I don’t like hamburgers.

2. I nailed your goldfish to the wall. Now you’ll never misplace him again.

3. I drank the last of your milk. You’re lucky. It was off.

4. I baked you half a cake. The other half is mine.

5. I made out with your dad. He seemed lonely. And then he didn’t.

6. I called your work and said you won’t be coming in this week. So now you’re on a holiday.

7. I painted your cat pink and yellow. Like you wanted when we were six.

8. I chased and caught your cat when the stupid thing ran off.

9. I made you a cup of tea and drank it before it got cold.

10. I flushed the toilet. And I flushed it with love.

8 things to do when you can’t make it away for a holiday in a tent so that you can avoid watches and clocks and people saying ‘hurry up, douche bag'

1. Read Who magazine. You can compare faces and bodies and dresses and hair for hours and hours and not even realise it. This will also make you a better person.

2. Rub lotion on your skin. Round and round in gentle circles. Rub it in. Lovely layers. Delectable, creamy goodness. I’m talking about you, you hot, smooth slick of shine.

3. Watch Neighbours. If the time just so happens to not be six-thirty and it just so happens to not be a weeknight, go here - http://neighbours.com.au/episodes.htm - and watch as many episodes as you like all in a row without the ads. Maximise the screen. It will make you happy. Now let’s all jump and clap and thank the sky for internet.

4. Make a piranha. You will enjoy the anticipation, the task itself, and the end result. Trust me.

5. Pretend you are French. And nothing will get you down. If by chance it does, you can beat at whatever it is with an authentic baguette, a few posh words, and a threatening call from your angry, French papa.

6. Bake packet-mix cookies. I recommend Betty Crocker’s. Just mix it, oven it, eat it. Anyone can do it. Except maybe that kid from year nine who put a whole, unpeeled onion into the saucepan to make soup.

7. Go to a park. Get naked. And sit in the playground’s sandpit. Roll around if you want. You’ll find sand in your pants for weeks, just as if you’ve taken a jolly trip to the beach.

8. While at the park, pee in a glass bottle. Bury it. And next time you need a holiday in a tent but can’t take one, go and dig it up. This will make you feel removed from reality and your fellow human kind, totally.

8 reasons i would make a good pet

1. Highly lovable. This is because of my face and its fat cheeks and my ability to contort it to make myself appear adorable. I can also manipulate my hands so that they appear as paws, which I can use to cuddle you and pat your head. And within my pants I am stashing a tail. You can curl it or brush it or hug it or paint it. It’s quite versatile, in fact.

2. Multi-purpose. I can essentially be anything you want me to be. A lamb. I can buck. A llama. I can sing. A piranha. I can bite. A panda. I can frown. You’ll never get bored. If you wake up one morning and decide it’s Turtle Tuesday, I can be your turtle. If you wake up the next morning and find it’s Weevil Wednesday, I can be your weevil. I can happily flounder about in your flour til the cows come home and you decide you want me to be one of those instead.

3. Low maintenance. I can poop and sleep and eat all on my own. Not to mention wash and frisk and make friends and mop. In short, I am not a Tamagotchi, a Furby, a Dogz, or a Catz.

4. And I am not wont to breed like a rabbit.

5. Intelligent. I imagine (and the fact that I can imagine is evidence of this) that there won’t be too many, if any, pets that are smarter than I am. You’ll be the envy of all your friends and when you go to Pet Club on Thursday nights you’ll be the lucky ducky who gets to do Show and Tell every week. ‘What ‘ave you taught the old girl this week, aye?’ they’ll ask. And then you might have me bring them out some delectable muffins I made, or I might play In the Jungle on the recorder for them while prowling like a lion even though I’m actually a fish because it’s Tuna Thursday.

5. Good with children. Yes, I’m playful and cuddly and always up for a solid tickle or scratch, but I go further than the young, foolish puppy. Not only will I bring joy and love to the little ones’ lives, but also education and discipline, respect and obedience. Of course I will do it only when necessary, but I will not hesitate to bite, slap, give a firm lashing with the tongue. Children like boundaries. I can be a fence. A mastiff on a fence.

6. Protector. You could name me that even and buy me a helmet. Then there’d be no mistake and no one would mess with me or you or anyone we know.

7. Walkies. Given that I serve multiple purposes and that I’m smarter than your average pet bear, it should be no surprise that I would make walkies a fun or useful or relaxing time – whichever you were in the mood for. With me on the other end of your leash, walkies could become dancies or bakeries or spa-sies or nap-sies. We could fill in our time together with chess or knitting or cards or swimming or shopping or chatting about things that are very important. Fish, for instance, cannot and will not do this.

8. Cost-effective. I’m free, free, free! And who doesn’t love free stuff? Come and take me home today. I’m yours.